Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
