So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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