my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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