He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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