glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
