I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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