My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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