I wish I could punch you in the face.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
