when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
