Your face is a jimmy john
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
