I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
