Can Purell be used as lube?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wish there were birth control emojis
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
