i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
