Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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