from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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