My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
