I wanna bring you to show and tell
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so explain again why im purple
no
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
