Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
