Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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