when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Mom said you looked used
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize