Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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