I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
