Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
