Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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