2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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