you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
