Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
