just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
