Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
