Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
