that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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