my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
