sarcasm needs its own font
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
