Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize