i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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