apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
