I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
