New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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