omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
