last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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