did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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