He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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