if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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