I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
