yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
