My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
