You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
