my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
