I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
