how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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