He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
