and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
