I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
